On being "brought up by a single mum"

On being "brought up by a single mum"

I heard the phrase again the other day — "she was brought up by a single mum" — and felt that familiar flicker of irritation. It took me a moment to work out why.

Sit with the phrase for a second and you’ll see it's implying  she grew up without a father.

That's patriarchy doing what it does best — not shouting, just quietly setting the default. It positions a man's presence at the centre of every family and assumes his contribution is greater than the mother’s.

Nobody says "brought up by a two-parent household" and means it as a compliment. It's just a description. But "brought up by a single mum" carries a verdict, however politely it's dressed up. That's the tell. We don't notice the language of prejudice when it's aimed at the majority pattern — only when it deviates from it.

Kids raised by single mums aren't running an upbringing at a handicap. They're being raised by someone who is entirely, completely there. One steady adult, fully present, is not a fraction of a family. It's a family.

I think about this a lot in the books I write. I want children to see the shape of their home reflected back at them — one parent, two parents, two mums, two dads, grandparents, blended, whatever it is — without a footnote explaining what's missing. Representation isn't just about including different kinds of families. It's about including them without apology.